Last week I thought, “Oh, look, it’s all cold and wintery outside. Time to make some more Christmas cookies!”
Little did I know these would KILL my Christmas spirit. Ugh.
See, it really was nice and wintery outside.
Step 1: Gather ingredients: Flour, butter, jam, salt, egg yolk, cream cheese, sugar.
That cream cheese looks gross because I had to soften it by stirring it up.
Step 2: Watch out for gargoyles.
Step 3: Beat cream cheese, butter, and sugar until light and fluffy.
Not bad so far.
Step 4: Add flour and salt.
Okay.
Step 5: Flatten into 3 disks and roll to 1/8-inch thickness between sheets of parchment.
This picture might be too close-up for you to see my anger. My dumb rolling pin only has 1/4-inch or 1/16-inch discs.
The whole reason I bought that pin is because I suck at estimating dough thickness and end up with part of it too thin and part too thick.
Now I have to take out the normal pin and guess. This is so stupid.
Step 6: Refrigerate for 20 mins, then cut with a star or circle cutter.
4. I got 4 out of one disk. Lovely.
Step 7: Spoon 1/2 teaspoon jam into center of each and pinch corners.
Just wait.
Step 8: Brush with egg wash.
Here comes my stupid silicone brush again. WHY WOULD ANYONE INVENT THIS? Would you like globs of egg yolk? Make sure to use this silicone brush!
I really should start making videos. I have a dream of being a host on QVC and I’d love to sell you this crappy product.
Step 9: Dust with sanding sugar, then bake.
Step 10: Re-roll scraps.
Scrap=crap. I’m defeated.
This picture is blown out, so you can’t see, but the last batch of damn cookies opened. SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT PINCHING. I wanted to just throw them on the floor.
Yields: 48
I got: I have no idea. But based on the picture of the crap pile below, I’m guessing 21.
Start time: 3:50
End time: 6:05 (2 hours, 15 mins)
Martha’s estimated time: 2 hours, 15 mins (wow)
What did I learn?
My rolling pin is pointless. I knew that.Silicone brushes suck. I knew that. (Santa!)- Crap cookies can only temporarily crush the Christmas spirit. It’s back.
What do I need to learn?
- How do you know when you’ve reached 1/4-inch thickness?
- Why wouldn’t the pinches stay pinched?
Here’s my grand pile of crap. They were sent to the island of misfits.
Ugh, until next time. Bye.
Nate Makes Cookies 
Some of them turned out pretty nice looking! Have you ever made thumbprint cookies with jam in them?
Hey friend, every baker has bombs! Remember, even the bombs taste as good as the perfect ones. Don’t be so hard on yourself. This is a great post: funny, informative, with great photos. It is frustrating when pinched sides don’t stick together. Maybe the dough got too warm? Maybe you used too much egg wash? Maybe the jam got mixed in with the egg wash? It’s great that you follow Martha Stewart. I think she is one of the best out there for recipes and instructions. I go to her often. Cheers!
they dont look bad at all! weird how the last batch opened up. maybe the dough was too warm? since the first batch was still chilled from the fridge?
can’t wait to see more christmas goodies!