Anyone who knows me (see: co-workers) knows how I feel about tea. It’s for the sickly and I’m not interested.

I’ve been delaying these for obvious reasons, but recently watched Alice in Wonderland and felt inspired. Maybe, JUST MAYBE, it will be fine in a cookie.

What is matcha? This is starting well. 

My knowledge of tea is pretty extensive: there’s black tea, green tea, passion tea, chai tea, and…that’s all I’ve ever heard people order at Starbucks.

I went to the store to find matcha tea and needless to say, I was a little overwhelmed.

18,000 Yogi teas, 10,000 Celestial teas, red velvet tea? Oh! There it is! SEVENTEEN DOLLARS AND 59 CENTS. Seventeen fucking dollars for tea?! I spent the next 10 minutes closely looking at the rows of $3.99 tea, but there were no alternatives. That was the only matcha. I got it. These are the sacrifices I make for you, my loyal followers.

Step 1: Dice some candied ginger. 

I did it! No sticking to the knife either!

Step 2: Make blanched almonds happen. 

We know how this went last time, so I wasn’t looking forward to hurting my thumbs again.

Boil.

Rinse with cold water.

Pop off skins.

Hey! It worked! A couple went flying across the room (my cats enjoyed that), but I was pleased.

Step 3: Toast and chop almonds.

Easy.

Step 4: Gather ingredients: Flour, almonds, egg, safflower oil, ginger, salt, baking powder, vanilla, matcha, sugar. 

Because I didn’t have “sweet matcha,” I had to combine it with sugar.

Let’s take a moment to see how far my $17 got us.

Yep. Looks are deceiving and there are about 4 TBSP in the entire package. I used half.

Step 5: Whisk together flour, sugar, baking powder. 

Step 6: Combine egg, vanilla, and “sweet matcha.”

This does not look appetizing.

Step 7: Add oil and combine. 

Still not appetizing.

Step 8: Add flour mixture.

How precious, it’s snowing on the swamp.

Step 9: Add ginger and almonds. 

Step 10: Divide into thirds and form logs. 

I still don’t want to eat these.

Step 11: Bake for 18-20 minutes, then sprinkle sugar on top. 

You like my watch? In my recent trip to Vegas (Britney was amazing, thanks for asking), I made my usual trip to the Swatch store. Lucky for me, but not my wallet, they released a new collection called Pastry Chefs. Obviously I had to have this.

Step 12: Let the creature from the black lagoon’s fingers cool for 15 minutes, then slice. 

This is when I started to get angry. They were crumbling everywhere. Any time a damn almond was involved, it broke!

Step 13: Arrange, cut side down, and sprinkle more sugar. Bake for 6-8 minutes. 

At this point I was beginning to question if these actually had any flavor. I’d used a couple tablespoons of sugar already.

Step 14: Turn and repeat. 

During the 19 cycles of baking, I was trying to watch the Mob Wives reunion. I got irritated every time I had to pause and go back to the oven. This made me hate the cookies even more. I calmed down a bit as I listened to the Mob Wives scream at each other over the dumbest stuff and was able to put my life in perspective.

OK they’re done. They look stupid. I was just hoping they’d be delicious.

They were just okay.

Link to original recipe – Martha doesn’t even have it on her website. That’s saying something.

Yields: 36
I got: 28

Start time: 2:40
End time: 5:10 (2 hours, 30 mins) See why I was irritated?
Martha’s estimated time: No idea. Please fix the app.

What did I learn? 

• Tea can be very expensive. I’m still against it.
• I need sharper knives.

What do I need to learn? 

• Why did they crumble? Did I not bake them long enough? Was it the knife? Was it the almonds?
• Why oil?
• What do I need to do to get on TV and/or meet Big Ang?
• Why is a raven like a writing desk?

If you like tea, good for you. I’ll stick to my coffee and see you when you’re not getting enough caffeine.

Oh. I didn’t only get one Swatch. Check out my new kitchen decor.