I’ve been waiting to make these since I got the app and I knew they’d be perfect for Valentine’s Day! Well, I made them and they pissed me off so much that I’m writing this 2 weeks later.

Cute, right? These look so cute and fun. Well, they weren’t.

This recipe was the longest in terms of time. I had to let the icing set overnight before it was ready for the lettering.

Also BONUS: This is the first time I doubled a recipe. I wanted the hearts to be larger than she suggested, so I needed more dough.

Step 1: Gather ingredients for cookies: flour, sugar, butter, salt, vanilla, eggs, baking powder

Step 2: Whisk together flour, salt, and baking powder

I tried to change up this picture by using the other end of the whisk. Stupid, I know.

Step 3: Cream butter and sugar until pale and fluffy

mmmm…

Step 4: Add flour mixture, beating until incorporated

My Kitchenaid threw up on me. I should have taken this as a sign.

Step 5: Divide dough in half, form into disks, refrigerate 1 hour – overnight

4 disks because I doubled it. I’m good at math.

Step 6: Let disk stand at room temperature for 10 minutes, roll

There’s my rolling mat, pin, and cutters. I guess I forgot to take a pic of the dough rolled out.

Step 7: Cut. Freeze for 15 minutes and bake.

Okay, I don’t understand. Martha said to put 1 rack on the top 1/3 of the oven and the other in the bottom 1/3 of the oven. That means bake 2 at a time, right? I thought you weren’t supposed to do that! Well, the bottom picture is what was on the bottom rack. Ugh. I only baked them one tray at a time for the rest. It took hours.

Some of them were bubbly on the bottom like this. Why? OMG, get off the table, Xander!

Icing time!

Step 1: Gather ingredients: powdered sugar, water, meringue powder

I did NOT double the recipe of the icing for 2 reasons.

1: that meringue powder container looks big enough, but it only came half-full so I didn’t have enough.

2: That is an OBSCENE amount of powdered sugar. A whole bag! 2 pounds! And check this out:

3,600 calories!  Holy shit!

Step 2: Mix until the consistency of honey. Divide and add food coloring. 

This was turning out great.

Step 3: Put into piping bag. 

Hey, jerk! That’s not a piping bag! That’s plastic wrap! Yes, kids, I know. I was really excited to try the trick I learned. Watch the video here.

If you watch the video and compare it to that picture you just saw, you’ll notice mine is a puddle, not a nice heap of icing. Apparently I made it too thin.

Step 4: Pipe around the edges and then fill in. 

This looked like it was working. I was pleased.

WHAT THE HELL?! The icing spilled over the edges! At this point I wanted to throw the cookies on the floor in a fit of rage. I decided not to, since I had just spent almost 3 hours working on them.

Step 5: Let them set overnight. 

Step 6: Take your not-supposed-to-look-like-shit cookies and get ready to stamp. Using rubber stamps and food coloring, make words.

It started out okay.

I tried using the silicone stamps I bought to arrange phrases, but it was really hard.

Look how this one turned out. Crappy.

When I pressed down again to fix it, the icing dented! Look how shitty these are! Loyal reader, you’re lucky you weren’t around for this step. I may have been arrested for aggravated assault.

I didn’t even take a picture with them because I was so angry. Were they good? I thought they were too sweet, but people seemed to like them.

Link to original recipe

Yields: 42
I got: I don’t even remember. Not double. I think it was about 30-something. They were larger than she suggested, remember.

Start time: 9:05
End time: (next day) 12:00 (14 hours, 55 minutes)
Martha’s estimated time: 1 day + 3 hours 25 minutes (Define, “day,” Martha. How many hours is that?)

What did I learn?

• I still hate cutting sugar cookies, although these didn’t suck as bad.
• Royal icing sucks! It doesn’t work with that neat trick.
• I am a very patient person. I didn’t break anything.

What do I need to learn? 

• Why did the icing spill everywhere even though it looked like it was going to stay?
• Did the icing dent because it was too thick? How do I make it less thick if I’m supposed to fill it in?
• Why were the bottom of the cookies bubbly like that picture above?

I’m sorry for leaving you all hanging for so long. I got some threats, so I’m sorry to those who care (all of you). I won’t do it again.