I’ve been waiting to make these since I got the app and I knew they’d be perfect for Valentine’s Day! Well, I made them and they pissed me off so much that I’m writing this 2 weeks later.
Cute, right? These look so cute and fun. Well, they weren’t.
This recipe was the longest in terms of time. I had to let the icing set overnight before it was ready for the lettering.
Also BONUS: This is the first time I doubled a recipe. I wanted the hearts to be larger than she suggested, so I needed more dough.
Step 1: Gather ingredients for cookies: flour, sugar, butter, salt, vanilla, eggs, baking powder
Step 2: Whisk together flour, salt, and baking powder
I tried to change up this picture by using the other end of the whisk. Stupid, I know.
Step 3: Cream butter and sugar until pale and fluffy
Step 4: Add flour mixture, beating until incorporated
My Kitchenaid threw up on me. I should have taken this as a sign.
Step 5: Divide dough in half, form into disks, refrigerate 1 hour – overnight
4 disks because I doubled it. I’m good at math.
Step 6: Let disk stand at room temperature for 10 minutes, roll
There’s my rolling mat, pin, and cutters. I guess I forgot to take a pic of the dough rolled out.
Step 7: Cut. Freeze for 15 minutes and bake.
Okay, I don’t understand. Martha said to put 1 rack on the top 1/3 of the oven and the other in the bottom 1/3 of the oven. That means bake 2 at a time, right? I thought you weren’t supposed to do that! Well, the bottom picture is what was on the bottom rack. Ugh. I only baked them one tray at a time for the rest. It took hours.
Some of them were bubbly on the bottom like this. Why? OMG, get off the table, Xander!
Step 1: Gather ingredients: powdered sugar, water, meringue powder
I did NOT double the recipe of the icing for 2 reasons.
1: that meringue powder container looks big enough, but it only came half-full so I didn’t have enough.
2: That is an OBSCENE amount of powdered sugar. A whole bag! 2 pounds! And check this out:
3,600 calories! Holy shit!
Step 2: Mix until the consistency of honey. Divide and add food coloring.
This was turning out great.
Hey, jerk! That’s not a piping bag! That’s plastic wrap! Yes, kids, I know. I was really excited to try the trick I learned. Watch the video here.
If you watch the video and compare it to that picture you just saw, you’ll notice mine is a puddle, not a nice heap of icing. Apparently I made it too thin.
Step 4: Pipe around the edges and then fill in.
This looked like it was working. I was pleased.
WHAT THE HELL?! The icing spilled over the edges! At this point I wanted to throw the cookies on the floor in a fit of rage. I decided not to, since I had just spent almost 3 hours working on them.
Step 5: Let them set overnight.
Step 6: Take your not-supposed-to-look-like-shit cookies and get ready to stamp. Using rubber stamps and food coloring, make words.
It started out okay.
I tried using the silicone stamps I bought to arrange phrases, but it was really hard.
Look how this one turned out. Crappy.
When I pressed down again to fix it, the icing dented! Look how shitty these are! Loyal reader, you’re lucky you weren’t around for this step. I may have been arrested for aggravated assault.
I didn’t even take a picture with them because I was so angry. Were they good? I thought they were too sweet, but people seemed to like them.
I got: I don’t even remember. Not double. I think it was about 30-something. They were larger than she suggested, remember.
Start time: 9:05
End time: (next day) 12:00 (14 hours, 55 minutes)
Martha’s estimated time: 1 day + 3 hours 25 minutes (Define, “day,” Martha. How many hours is that?)
What did I learn?
- I still hate cutting sugar cookies, although these didn’t suck as bad.
- Royal icing sucks! It doesn’t work with that neat trick.
- I am a very patient person. I didn’t break anything.
What do I need to learn?
- Why did the icing spill everywhere even though it looked like it was going to stay?
- Did the icing dent because it was too thick? How do I make it less thick if I’m supposed to fill it in?
- Why were the bottom of the cookies bubbly like that picture above?
I’m sorry for leaving you all hanging for so long. I got some threats, so I’m sorry to those who care (all of you). I won’t do it again.
At first glance, I couldn’t believe how cool these cookies looked… then I read what a b***h they were and I pictured you throwing them against the kitchen walls because that’s what I would’ve done if it were me making them. HA. You made me laugh and I enjoyed it. Thanks 🙂
Haha thank you! Thanks for reading! 🙂
YW. Enjoying all of your posts.
Awesome post! Reminds me of the time I tried a Martha cupcake recipe and it was a disaster 😦
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I think you’re too hard on yourself. Remember: Martha’s cookie elves are working diligently under threat of deportation, or worse that’s why they are so perfect. I really liked my inflamatory cookie.
I ate my cookie. It said “Slut” on it. It was both appropriate and delicious.
The outline needs to be a thicker consistency than your flooding icing, aka, different batches essentially, so that might be one problem. Royal icing can take 48 hours to set up- if you don’t mind raw eggs the icing made with egg whites instead of powder sets up much faster. I’ve made these types of cookies before and determined that royal icing is nasty tasting and bitchy, so it’s hardly worth the hard work. You can do amazing things with it tho, once you get really skilled!!!
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